thankful

you could have allowed me

to remain

enslaved to my false hopes

of idealism.

it would have been easy

to watch me carry on

for another four years,

twinkle-tapping in sparkly

fairytales that were

never meant to be.

but you are faithful and merciful,

a gracious father

who longs to give of your goodness

and so you broke me.

the well manicured walls 

of self-protection

came tumbling down

while my soul drown

in pools of salty tears.

rising up were the jewels

of contrition and brokenness

so that i can stand

in the hope of your love.

emmanuel

the word of god

is food for my soul.

where does my help come from?

from where

does the source of 

life spring forth?

it is in the quiet place.

the tabernacle of my heart

where the spirit of the living god dwells.

nothing else 

can satisfy the depravity

of my shattered soul

but the one who calls himself

emmanuel.

hungry

my soul is thirsty

for the life that

comes from 

the spirit of god.

come oh holy god

and breathe

on these bones that are 

as dry as the dust of the earth.

as deep cries out to deep

so my soul calls

out to christ my savior.

to be like a tree 

planted next to the 

satisfying riverbed

is the longing of my heart.

here i am 

communing with the

one my heart loves.

and here i ask -

hold me close to your bosom

and speak tenderly

with the wind of your spirit.

one thing

in all of life

there is but one thing,

to seek after

the burning heart of the

father almighty

to bow before his throne

and send forth the

fragrance of worship

to sit with eyes wide open

and gaze upon the

beauty of the lord.

in all of life

there is but one thing,

to arise to the beckoning

of the bridegroom

and partner with love

to dwell in the house

of the gracious redeemer

singing songs of intimacy

to wait and take heart

for the one who

leads beside quiet waters.

in all of life

there is but one thing,

to restfully lie

in the safety

of his dwelling place

to be protected by

the shelter of his tabernacle

and rest my head

upon his breast

to be transformed

by the fiery kiln

of radiant intercession.

in all of life

there is but one thing,

to look to him

with cheeks that are

void of shame

to run towards the

irresistible grace

of the one who

bides me to come

to delight

sitting in his shade

and eat the fruits

of his goodness.

in all of life

there is but one thing,

to position myself

in a posture of humility

and fill my lamp

with oil

to wash the feet

of the one

whose sandals i am

not worthy to touch

to be baptized

by the sweetness

of him

who was, and is, and is to come.

deuteronomy 8:2-10

be careful that 

you do not forget

the lord your god.

remember -

remember when god

led you away from

 your comforts, safety, and familiarity

into the land of the unknown.

this land that is called

the desert

became the hands

that stripped you

of every form fitting facade.

the desert posed as

the loosening force

to unclench your

white knuckles that gripped

the rope of control.

in the desert

you were left

naked, alone, and vulnerable.

the only company was

your sin and a mirror

with your broken

image reflecting from deep within.

be careful that

you do not forget

the lord your god.

remember -

remember when god

led you away in

order to test you

so that what is 

in your heart

could be illuminated by grace.

this test bore

the face of depression

producing dark nights

without the hope of dawn.

the test grew

to become your character

of perseverance

with each step taken

towards the cross of redemption.

with this test you lay 

prostrate.

completely humbled

so that all that remained

was him that is 

in you.

be careful that

you do not forget

the lord your god.

remember -

remember when god

fed you with truths

of your identity.

naming you

beloved, daughter, and bride.

with this food

you began to arise

with the light of hope

flickering in the distant

good land.

the food was your portion

that held you through

the testing desert

in order to call you by name.

be careful that 

you do not forget

the lord your god.

remember -

remember when god

provided as you 

walked in his ways.

the salt from you tears

transformed into

drops of olive oil

dripping from a heart of praise.

these gifts took on

new tastes.

instead of the bitterness 

of anguish under your tongue

lay the sweetness

of honey and pomegranates.

your parched soul

was quenched

with streams and pools of water.

provisions that were 

never scarce

filling your ever need.

lacking nothing

completely satisfied.

be careful that 

you do not forget

the lord your god.

remember -

remember when god

led you to the desert

tested your heart

fed you with truth

and provided your everything.

praise him!

praise his name

and do not forget.

ash wednesday selah

my bones

they are wasting away

the sin 

of my soul

is too hideous to reveal.

in silent hiding

i must remain.

but dare i

acknowledge

the veiled ugliness?

selah...

day and night

your hand

it is so heavy

crushing, pressing down

upon me.

the strength

of my flesh wilts

as in the heat

of summer's sun.

all day long

groaning seeps from

every fiber of my being.

this pain is too great.

but dare i

acknowledge

the veiled ugliness?

selah...

my eyes

grow weaker still

with the sorrow and grief

that consumes me.

the affliction

of my heart

crushes the spirit

within.

brokenhearted i remain

alone, cold, and anguished.

but dare i 

acknowledge the veiled ugliness?

selah...

untiring hands

stretch forth

in the emptiness of my night.

again i refuse

your comfort to my soul

it is easier here

the familiarity of sin

has become a companion.

my silence

strengthens its deceptive

friendship.

but dare i

acknowledge

the veiled ugliness?

selah...

forsaken i have become

who can save me?

the pain

of my loneliness

strangles the light

holding me hostage

as a prisoner of inequities.

the troubles of

my heart

have conceived and filled

my life with despair.

there is only silence.

but dare i 

acknowledge

the veiled ugliness?

selah...

hurting healing love

true love it does hurt

but will not flee from the pain

true love it does heal.

plea of rescue

how wretched are the thoughts

that poison my mind.

the snakes

so evil,

slither their way into the innocence 

of my heart

damaging all that is good along

their way.

crawling on their bellies

they pursue the throne

in my soul.

o army of god!

where are you?

these pollutant, life killing serpents

are taking over.

this battle of evil is yours

to fight

my lord

beside you i stand adorned

with your armor.

rescue me

your daughter

your bride.

pinnacle song

silhouettes of life

formed by evenings pastel hues

natures music crescendos.

searching flight

a bird flies solo

searching for her hearts delight

to where shall she fly?

young

then i was so young

i did not know who i was

you do not know me.

a space

i like to sit

out on the deck

in the mornings.

from here i can see

the ocean

its grandness stretching,

reaching, boundlessly

leaping to collide

with the distant 

horizon line.

there is a certain smell

from this spot of mine

it's hard to describe

a mixture perhaps

of salt and earth

nostalgia and romance.

its comfortable 

in this place

morning sun isn't

quite high enough

to peek over the

wall and greet

me with a kiss.

but he colors 

the surroundings

with tungsten life

sometimes i rest

my head 

on the back of the chair

and sink in.

listening contently

to the choir of birds

sometimes they are 

gentle and modest singers

sometimes they pronounce

their voices like that

of clanging cymbals.

as i rest

i often think of 

grandma's house

the red one on the hill.

it is here

in this space

where i give god 

the key to unlock

the bountiful hopes

contained in my heart.

it isn't long

until desires are 

dancing freely

released to stretch,

reach, and boundlessly leap

to collide with the heavens.

love is the leader

counting the steps

for the others to follow.

i never speak

when sitting out here

the world around me

offers its wisdom

for me to

simply sit

rest my head

and listen.

a place

out on the cliffs

so high above

unhindered view

to the world below.

this is where 

i like to sit.

dusk is my most

frequented companion

she fails not

to stir within

deep tranquility and whimsical daydreams.

upon these cliffs

i watch before me

the most glorious cascade

of colors

bleeding, curling, weaving

with one another

as the blazing fire

descends.

oranges turn to pinks

yellows transform

to purples

and their welcoming arms

reach to touch

the corners of the world.

it's a rare thing of beauty

sitting out here

perched upon the cliffs.

o how i wish

i could box it up

so that you may open

and the bursting

sea breeze and candy coated

horizon

will allure your spirit

into dusk's

sweet tranquility.

arise

come forth come forth

you beckon

from the rocks

that hide

your voice your voice your voice

so sweet

and your face so lovely

you say arise

my beautiful bride

partner with me

come let us flee

to the mountains

we will journey

to the mountains of myrrh

and into the wilderness

the wilderness, the wilderness of redemption

you say arise

my beautiful bride

partner with me

come let us flee

we will run

we will dance

in the lilies of the valley

o how pleasing

my darling my love

is the fragrance of your perfume

you say arise

my beautiful bride

partner with me

come let us flee.

a poem for my brother

break down dear brother

those sturdy walls 

of introspection.

pick up the sword 

of the spirit

and silence the darkness

that holds you captive.

turn your ear beloved son

from the voices

you hope will give you worth.

search, keep searching

for the sound of silence.

there you will find

the still, small whisper

of the one who gives you name.

rise up mighty friend

keep your lamp burning

with the fragrant oil

of worship.

fly away goodbye

i am putting to death

my monarch friend

this intricately gentle

winged memory.

no longer do i want it

fluttering about

interrupting my wholeness.

i tear apart the wings

so never again can he fly

into my days

reminding me of his

penetrating existence.

one by one i rip 

tearfully gazing

at his colorful details

shredding completely.

goodbye my monarch love

i've said it before.

but this time it's different.

you can have my heart no longer

though you never knew

it belonged to you.

i will miss you to be sure

for you were my first.

but i belong

somewhere i feel free.

goodbye my love.

from stillness to partnership

in the beginning

was the stillness of the word

the word that rested

so quietly

within the heart

of the father almighty.

breaking the silence of timeless stillness

the father did speak

words of delight

and words of desire

and breathed into existence

the glorious creation

of his one and only

beloved son.

longing to give

his son so dear

an inheritance so priceless.

living word of passion

spoke into being

a lovely bride and partner for life

to reign with the son

forever by his side.

"she is yours" my dear son

"cherish her" this bride i give

who's value and worth is purely birthed

out of relationship

intimate, sacred, and true.

as i give

so shall you

speak into her

words of truth

love her as a jealous bridegroom.

fight for her o son of mine

for as she is yours

she also is mine.

psalm 130

the dark night of my soul

sets in

unbearable weight piles upon

the yoke of

fear i carry.

stifling layers of pain

crack and shatter

my spirit

so weary.

i wade through the blackness

in search of your morning.

crimson stains of sin

blindfold the light

of loves salvation.

sisters and brothers come quickly

peel open my eyes of green

to gaze into 

mercy's liberation.

dear friends i plead

walk with me

that i may taste.

darkness comes before dawn

let us wait like watchmen

and let us wait together.

from the depths

hope flickers.

crushing burden of shame

now weightless.

dancing in fields of joy

redemption beams.

o friends you stayed

upholding till i receive

guiding me to embrace.

lord you failed not

exchaning my night

for your radiance

of grace.

psalm 42

alone is my soul

in the pain of this wilderness.

how did i get here;

to this dark place of seclusion?

fear, loneliness, and anguish

are the foxes of my night.

marring truth while shredding life

maliciously they conquer

the allegiance within.

i once lay peacefully

under the shade of your tree

delight was ours

lovesick affections

spilled forth.

the days are fierce

silent cold relentlessly whips

during this bitter, lonely winter.

deep cries out to deep

where has my lover gone?

have you seen the one

my heart loves?

shadows so black

tears of sorrow rush forth.

far off the faintest voice

a soft, whispering bid

arise and come.

until the day breaks

and the shadows flee

 i will go.

reaching through the 

midnight deep

desperation longs to touch

the hope of dawn.

pain meets hope

you heart it aching

questions swirling about

suffocating the hope

buried by life's pains.

inside awaits a sacred place

the inner most dwelling of christ

rise up dear sister

gather your strength

and enter his refuge.

bringing your fears

surrendering your doubts.

he longs to meet you

comfort and peace

will diminish the tears of hurt.

open wide your soul

let his light in

to erase the night.

until the day breaks

and the shadows flee

live as the beloved

embrace his ravished heart.

cry out, release your brokenness

faithfulness will not turn away.

delicacies await you

at the table of the king.

feast upon the goodness

journey into intimacy

for perfect love 

casts out fear.

surrendered

you beckon me to abandonedly trust.

in the unknown,

i stumble for the ropes

to see, to know, to control

my minds darkest lust.

gentle whispers caress my cares

with hope.

clenched fists slowly loosen their grip.

arise and come

my darling, my love.

brokenness, shame, and hurt

you tenderly strip

revealing my trueness

and my eyes like a dove.

the world is a question

a sea of uncertainty

alluring me to fill

with temporary pleasures.

with your heart i will partner

to you i flee

intoxicating love 

is this life's only treasure.

quieted blanket

the quiet, gentle falling snow

produces a desire

to ape the simple solidarity

of each unique flake.

floating, swirrling down they travel

blanketing our noisy world of chaos

with an invitation to

be still and rest.

glistening waltz

a single web dances 

with morning light.

warm rays reflect the radiance

of her form.

in perfect unison

the two waltz

arm in arm

for their adoring audience.

tungsten morning

the low hanging sun

of mid - morning 

casts long, relaxed shadows

stirring within my romantic frame of mind

a glowing desire to photograph.

its warm tungsten rays

are the lamplight by which

i travel into the colorful

expressions of yann martel.

rhythmic movement of

pacific waves

sets the tone

for todays remaining hours

while the kiss of father morning

invites me to remain

in the riches of his presence.